Saying No

In the presence of “should do” offer.

Yesterday, I’ve got an offer. Offer to earn money. You know the thing you buy food for? Yeah, that one.

And I turned it down. Not out of some lust or a weird “I can turn it down” option it just…

When I was presented with it, I immediately felt: “I don’t want that.” In the fight that proceed, with myself, I asked my friend for time to think about it.

Me: “Can I reply tomorrow?”

Him: “Ok”

Well, the whole idea of: “thinking” was a signal for me. For true yes, you don’t really need to think. There is excitement, and crazy rush of images of what would happen. What you would do first. And so on.

If you need to think about it, something isn’t quite right. You are basically looking for a push. Some necessity push to be precise, to say: “Yes.”

But, I have a really low necessity threshold.

I knew what the signal means. I even wrote it plainly to the document, right away. “I don’t want to do it.” It reminded of a Sony executive saying: “My biggest regrets are not saying: ‘No,’ immediately.”

So I proceed to the next phase of — beating.

It’s the one when you beat yourself with necessity thoughts to accept it. It was working! The more I tried, the more I felt like a beaten dog. “I was so happy yesterday, not having this option!” recalling how thankful some people may be for it.

It isn’t bad, it’s just….

To shake it off I went to eat something. Started YouTube in search for Ashoka Tano’s help. I drew her. She does have something cool in her!

While watching it, I stopped to think. Went through my value structures, just to get slaps in the face. I dragged myself into a point, where I was: “Duck it! Let’s see what a poop show it would be. Let’s make a mistake!” Ready, to give into it.

Recalling funy stories of shitty jobs of other actors before their careers as a form of sympathy for things to come.

— Another sweet meal. Watched Ashoka Tano again.

And in the middle of it all, I went: “Okay let’s write him. You know what you should do.”

Message: “Listen, I would skip on this option, this time.”

Felt not great. Felt not great. Not gonna lie.

All the anxieties: “What you gonna do in the corona times? Joke out of it? Nobody pays for it.” Yeah, wilderness trip doesn’t look that bad in those moments.

Even there, watching Ashoka, was a glimpse of a signal. Maybe, a signal to follow.

Motivated, went to Lucasfilm site. Searched career opening. Probably looking for hope. A glimpse of hope. Hope of direction. However surreal and unreal it might be for me.

But, I don’t look back. Okay, now I do. But this “not looking back” sign is how I know, it’s a good decision.

Me and my friend, have a bit of “You should work somewhere” dynamic between. It’s more of a perceived judgement than out loud one. He didn’t say it this time. The offer was plain. But …

You might say this evening wasn’t great. “Oh that’s horrible, I wouldn’t want that.” Maybe you don’t but ‘shhht!’ Just!

Well, it didn’t felt great. But, in the midst of it, in time of being pushed to a corner, one got to see his direction. “What is it you want to follow? What is it?”

It woke up me, with a huge motivation to write. That’s what we do here. Yeah. I practice, here, now.

Listen Dave Filoni, write me! I can bring some Central Europe humor to Star Wars!

Thank you my friend for the “Should say yes” offer. Thank you, Ashoka, for the company and good luck with your No’s!

Bie,

Luke